


Blue Haze

by Voltwrong



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Drabble, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Hurt No Comfort, Pining, Pining Castiel, Unrequited Love, WHEN WILL SOMEONE APPRECIATE HIM, cas just wants a family, mama mia coda, supernatural 12x2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:44:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voltwrong/pseuds/Voltwrong
Summary: Castiel loves humanity, Dean loves the world. Castiel just wants to be family.
  ----
Where was Cas during the family dinner scene at the end of Mamma Mia?





	

**Author's Note:**

> 3 AM trash drabble that is the product of me listening to Amber run and watching Mama Mia.
> 
> spoilers for season 12 and season 11 finale
> 
> song title from [Blue Haze by Amber Run.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL0hwXltDog) Seriously, listen to this song it's so Castiel.

    The ride back to the bunker is a bumpy one in both the literal and figurative sense. Sam holds it together for the encounter with Toni and Mick, but once they’re out of the house he all but collapses in on himself.

    Castiel wants to kick himself for not realizing sooner how injured Sam is- and not just physically. Once they usher him into the impala (Sam in the backseat with his head in Castiel’s lap as he works to heal him) it becomes apparent exactly what kind of torture Lady Bevil had employed. Sam isn’t convinced the rescue is not just another hallucination induced to extract more information. In fact he’s not much convinced of anything at first, which the presence of his long passed mother doesn’t help.

    Or maybe it does. Her resurrection is something Sam would never even have dreamed of, so out of left field that it could only be another unpredictable twist to the Winchesters’ convoluted lives. Thanks to Lucifer, Sam has plenty of practice discerning what’s real and what was not.

    He’s asleep now, head cradled between Castiel’s hands as he focuses on repairing Sam's injuries. Castiel had recovered the entirety of his Grace, but still lacked the support he once relied on heaven for. Things like flying and instantaneous healing are out if his grasp, but with time and effort he can still be of some use. It is an arduous process that requires most of his energy, and he only has the drive to Lebanon to work.

    Castiel happens to glance up and catch Dean watching in the rear view mirror. Neither looks away as the silence stretches between them like another two lane road. Sam and Mary sleep, the radio quiet and only the monotonous sounds of tires on asphalt filled the car. No words are exchanged but Cas sees the worry in Dean's eyes. Worry for Sam, worry for Mary, worry for the world.

    Dean worried for the world like Castiel loved humanity.

    If Dean was humanity then family was the world.

    They stop for food on the way home but end up with a bucket of what amounts to fried lard to Cas’s nose. Everyone seems rather happy with the product. Castiel doesn’t have the heart to tell them he’s fairly certain the actual content of chicken in that bucket is under 40%.

     Mary only orders enough food for three. Well, five, but only after correctly assuming Sam and Dean both eat twice as much as a normal person. This is fine of course. Castiel doesn't eat. They _know_ he doesn't eat, so of course they wouldn't ask if he wants anything. He wonders when he'd developed the trifling facet of human nature.

     The drive back to Lebanon from the restaurant is odd. Castiel finds himself uncomfortable for reasons he can’t pinpoint, as if he’s an intruder impeding on the Winchesters' reunion. Sam is awake by and feeling better, insisting Castiel not waste his energy healing any wounds that are only skin deep. So for once Castiel is just… there. No impending danger to rush to, no wounds to heal, not even injured himself- he is only present because he has no place else to go. So he sits behind Mary, the smell of fried take out warming the car as he listens to conversations he has no part in. He is once again the observer he was for millennia, watching humanity from outside the world and never interfering. He's simply less invisible now. He wonders for how long this will be his role.

\----------------------------

 

    “Just toss those on my bed. I'll deal with 'm later.”

    Dean has his back to Castiel, helping Sam out of the car despite his protests. Duffel bags stuffed full with artillery rest on Castiel's shoulders as if they weigh nothing. Mary watches him with ill disguised interest, bucket of chicken under her arm, pale hair fluttering around her kind face like a veil. He sees so much of Dean in her- her mannerisms and attitude. Her gentleness too though Dean tries to hide it. Sam is there as well in her open curiosity and mellow aura, her willingness to learn and adapt.

    He knows he unsettles her.

    Turning away from the family, he walks into the bunker, footsteps echoing down empty hallways as he reaches Dean's room. He lays the bags down, walking back out to see if he can be of anymore use. On the way out of the dorm hall he passes his own room but doesn’t bother looking in. He knows it will be, as it always is, empty save for a twice used bed. Dean and even Sam have customized their own bedrooms, slowly filling them and fitting them to their personalities. Castiel's room, however, is more of a spare, there on the off chance he imposes long enough to need a room of his own.

    Castiel stops in the doorway to the war room, taking in the cozy scene with a wilted smile. If he'd felt like an intruder in the car, then he was now a voyeur.

    Dean, Sam, and Mary, sat around the table sharing greasy take out and laughing over long untold stories. Mary has dozens on Dean, even a few on Sam. She remembers them all in vivid detail- to her they only happened yesterday. Dean divulges random memories of growing up, Sam trailing behind to straighten out the facts as he talks. Mary’s laughter echoes either way.

    They are not hunters. Angels demons and monsters have no part in their reality at that moment. They are long lost family reunited at last. It’s everything Dean wished for and Sam never hoped to dream: his mother and brother by his side, a home to return to at the end of the day.

    It is the first time Dean has relaxed since Mary's unforeseen return. He was too worried about losing her again- because good things never stay for him- and later, worrying about losing Sam. But finally, here he is _enjoying_ her, for once not making things complicated. And Castiel knows- he knows if he walks in there right now he'll break the spell. He is a reminder of all things inhuman, no matter what Dean tries to make him believe. When he sits down he won't hear any stories of Dean or Sam in diapers, those aren't for him. Conversation will turn back to the Men of Letters. Back to brooding and strategy because Castiel is to them a symbol of hard battles to be fought, not safe family dinners and lightheartedness.

   Still he can't keep the hint of sadness from his smile. He'd long ago adopted pining into his ever growing list of emotions, and it had done nothing but burn him. The scene before him sparks a long-held desire for something he refuses to name, something that has burrowed deep into his chest and aches. This is their moment, 30 years in the making, not Castiel’s. He steps away, back into the hallway where he won't be seen to give the family privacy to reminisce.

   Uncertain where to go, he drifts down the corridors like a spirit. It seems that is the epitome of his life lately, always searching for a place he is needed, some task to complete. Without that he is useless, unneeded clutter in the universe.

   He hopes he’s not invading when he stops by Mary's room on the way to his own. He only peeks in, barely pushing the door open. It is not bare, despite her only having been back on Earth for a few days. Her desk has been transformed into a makeshift vanity. Clothing is strewn across the bed, most of it borrowed from Dean. Castiel looks around, heart squeezing for some indiscernible reason. It’s so human, the act of taking a space and filling it with oneself and comforts, hints of loved ones and family worked into the cracks and corners.

    His own room is just a pale and empty as he expected when he gets back to it. He runs his hand across the bed sheets, gaze sweeping over the room. For a moment he considers taking off his coat and draping it over the back of the plain desk chair, but that would be pointless. Instead he sits on the squeaky mattress and lays his hands in his lap like a statue, posed in dignity. He doesn't even need to breathe.

    If he focuses Castiel can hear them still, voices loud and bright. Mary has pie. Dean will be thrilled. He tunes them out then to give them their privacy. Their family moment.

    If Dean is humanity, then family is the world, and -as is his role- Castiel has no part but to sit outside and observe.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! find me [here](https://www.allhallowdean.tumblr.com) on Tumblr or @miscahcollins on instagram.


End file.
